Friday, October 12, 2012

Big News and Big Disappointment

So there is big news in the Stocking Household...no it's not a baby, so don't get excited.  As of October 16th (my 8th wedding anniversary) I will officially be a student again.  This time a graduate student.  I enrolled at St. Ambrose in their Masters of Organizational Leadership program.  I will take the majority of my classes there focusing on leadership development and team building, while taking my elecitives from Lewis University to receive a concentration in Training and Development.  This is something I have wanted for years, talked about, prayed about and Josh and I finally decided there is no better day than today.  I would eventually love to do more training, maybe even teach some training/communications/public speaking courses.  In getting my Masters and working at Ambrose the doors begin to open at a much faster rate. So when the opportunity arises, I will be ready AND qualified.
So why the disappointment?
Well, as a a mom, I tend to have lots of "mom" friends.  And it just so happens lots of those friends are stay at home moms.   And while I value that job tremendously  I also know that that is not a job that I would do well.  And so as I have started to share my news, I have been met with blank stares and "oh...." responses and just general unenthusiastic responses.  This has made me sad on a number of levels, one because I know I will never make the announcement that will make them jump for joy, "I'm quitting my job and staying home", and two because I realize how at 31 years old I still yearn for the approval of my peers. I wish it wasn't like that.  I wish I could stand confident in my decision and to my husband and peers at work I do, but in the midst of moms who respond like they do, I feel defeat and guilt that I am making a wrong choice.   
I don't know what the next two years will hold.  I know it will be filled with night classes, homework, papers, anxiety and wonder.   However, I hope at the end of the journey I will look back and feel confident in knowing that I have what is right for my family and myself in order to be the best ME I can be.