Monday, February 02, 2015

Trusting God

These past few months have been a journey in learning to trust God and believe that He is enough regardless of what my future looks like.

After the miscarriage our desire to grow our family seemed even stronger. We talked to doctors and they gave us a renewed sense of hope.

In January, I stated Progesterone in hopes of helping us maintain a pregnancy. And that month we again saw the words we had been praying for.  This time the excitement was jaded by the feelings of fear, anxiety, what-if. We decided to keep it secret, to wait until our first appointment and pray that God would provide.

The day after we found out Roman came in the door and saw me and said "Whoa, mama, your belly is BIG, there is a baby in there". We laughed it off, but he has been adamant for the past 3 weeks that there is a baby in my belly. To be honest, I sometimes felt he was God's voice of reassurance in my life.

Today at 7 weeks, 1 day, Josh and I ventured to the doctor.  My anxiety on high, praying over and over that we would see a baby.  As I sat on the table, in the same room I sat 4 short months ago, I held my breath for a moment.

"There is your baby and there is the heartbeat".

What glorious words!!! Praise Jesus!!

So today we choose to celebrate, we choose to enjoy the days we have with this baby and pray God will allow us to hold this baby here on earth as well.

We shared the news with the kids today and they are so excited! I can't wait to see them respond to this baby they already love so much!!

It's been a year

How did this happen? How did I go an entire year without blogging?  As I pulled up my blog to read, I realized how much I loved this blog, how many memories live in this space. It's time to revisit it and track where our family has been and where we are going.

After Roman came we thought our family was complete. We even took the trip to Cabo to celebrate being done, but I continued to feel the nagging feeling of not being done. I tried to fight it, to convince myself we were, but the feeling didn't relent. After many tears and conversations, Josh decided he would be on board.  This was 2013.

We knew this journey all too well. Month after month we tried, we took meds, we timed intercourse, we saw doctors...and the result was always the same nothing. Each month the idea of us adding to our family seemed more and more like a fantasy.

We continued to run after God and trust His will.  In September, it happened! I saw the words I had prayed so long for...PREGNANT!!!

We couldn't believe it.  2 more years of trying and God answered. I was due on May 30th (Roman's original due date) and our first appointment was on October 16th (our 10th wedding anniversary). It was meant to be!

But then just as we began to let ourselves get excited and begin to dream, those dreams were shattered. Just 2 short weeks after being so excited and crying tears of joy, we were now crying tears of sorrow as the doctor would tell us we were experiencing a miscarriage.

WHAT?  This was a word that was not part of my journey.  Infertility was my story, not miscarriage.
But I would continue to lean on God and try to understand.
The verse I leaned on over and over again was:

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him, for he cares for you.

So thankful for this truth.  And so this would begin a new piece of our story.