Friday, October 12, 2012

Big News and Big Disappointment

So there is big news in the Stocking Household...no it's not a baby, so don't get excited.  As of October 16th (my 8th wedding anniversary) I will officially be a student again.  This time a graduate student.  I enrolled at St. Ambrose in their Masters of Organizational Leadership program.  I will take the majority of my classes there focusing on leadership development and team building, while taking my elecitives from Lewis University to receive a concentration in Training and Development.  This is something I have wanted for years, talked about, prayed about and Josh and I finally decided there is no better day than today.  I would eventually love to do more training, maybe even teach some training/communications/public speaking courses.  In getting my Masters and working at Ambrose the doors begin to open at a much faster rate. So when the opportunity arises, I will be ready AND qualified.
So why the disappointment?
Well, as a a mom, I tend to have lots of "mom" friends.  And it just so happens lots of those friends are stay at home moms.   And while I value that job tremendously  I also know that that is not a job that I would do well.  And so as I have started to share my news, I have been met with blank stares and "oh...." responses and just general unenthusiastic responses.  This has made me sad on a number of levels, one because I know I will never make the announcement that will make them jump for joy, "I'm quitting my job and staying home", and two because I realize how at 31 years old I still yearn for the approval of my peers. I wish it wasn't like that.  I wish I could stand confident in my decision and to my husband and peers at work I do, but in the midst of moms who respond like they do, I feel defeat and guilt that I am making a wrong choice.   
I don't know what the next two years will hold.  I know it will be filled with night classes, homework, papers, anxiety and wonder.   However, I hope at the end of the journey I will look back and feel confident in knowing that I have what is right for my family and myself in order to be the best ME I can be.


2 comments:

C and A said...

Share the news with your working mom friends and you'll get a better reaction :-) CONGRATULATIONS!!! Consider what an inspiration you will be to your children and two years when they are this young is just a drop in the hat in the long run. From a family with three masters degrees (since Conrad got one and then went back for another), it's not without sacrifices, but very worth it in the end. Proud of you for taking such a big step when the easy decision would have been to just stay where you are. You'll rock grad school - and we'll be there to cheer you on when you graduate with more letters after your name :-)

Kristi said...

Super happy and proud of you! It's such a tough decision, knowing when to focus on you, how to dedicate and split time among all that you love and are blessed with... but if this is a personal goal of yours - do it!!! Just because you decide to go back to school or work full time doesn't mean that being a mom is no longer a value. The amazing thing is that we can do both and be good at both!