Monday, February 02, 2015

Trusting God

These past few months have been a journey in learning to trust God and believe that He is enough regardless of what my future looks like.

After the miscarriage our desire to grow our family seemed even stronger. We talked to doctors and they gave us a renewed sense of hope.

In January, I stated Progesterone in hopes of helping us maintain a pregnancy. And that month we again saw the words we had been praying for.  This time the excitement was jaded by the feelings of fear, anxiety, what-if. We decided to keep it secret, to wait until our first appointment and pray that God would provide.

The day after we found out Roman came in the door and saw me and said "Whoa, mama, your belly is BIG, there is a baby in there". We laughed it off, but he has been adamant for the past 3 weeks that there is a baby in my belly. To be honest, I sometimes felt he was God's voice of reassurance in my life.

Today at 7 weeks, 1 day, Josh and I ventured to the doctor.  My anxiety on high, praying over and over that we would see a baby.  As I sat on the table, in the same room I sat 4 short months ago, I held my breath for a moment.

"There is your baby and there is the heartbeat".

What glorious words!!! Praise Jesus!!

So today we choose to celebrate, we choose to enjoy the days we have with this baby and pray God will allow us to hold this baby here on earth as well.

We shared the news with the kids today and they are so excited! I can't wait to see them respond to this baby they already love so much!!

It's been a year

How did this happen? How did I go an entire year without blogging?  As I pulled up my blog to read, I realized how much I loved this blog, how many memories live in this space. It's time to revisit it and track where our family has been and where we are going.

After Roman came we thought our family was complete. We even took the trip to Cabo to celebrate being done, but I continued to feel the nagging feeling of not being done. I tried to fight it, to convince myself we were, but the feeling didn't relent. After many tears and conversations, Josh decided he would be on board.  This was 2013.

We knew this journey all too well. Month after month we tried, we took meds, we timed intercourse, we saw doctors...and the result was always the same nothing. Each month the idea of us adding to our family seemed more and more like a fantasy.

We continued to run after God and trust His will.  In September, it happened! I saw the words I had prayed so long for...PREGNANT!!!

We couldn't believe it.  2 more years of trying and God answered. I was due on May 30th (Roman's original due date) and our first appointment was on October 16th (our 10th wedding anniversary). It was meant to be!

But then just as we began to let ourselves get excited and begin to dream, those dreams were shattered. Just 2 short weeks after being so excited and crying tears of joy, we were now crying tears of sorrow as the doctor would tell us we were experiencing a miscarriage.

WHAT?  This was a word that was not part of my journey.  Infertility was my story, not miscarriage.
But I would continue to lean on God and try to understand.
The verse I leaned on over and over again was:

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him, for he cares for you.

So thankful for this truth.  And so this would begin a new piece of our story.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Christmas 2013

Christmas has come and gone already and I realized how much has happened in the past few months since I haven't been blogging.

Our Christmas this year was amazing! It was filled with joy, laughter, giving, church, family and friends. The hardest part about this Christmas was that my mom was in California and therefore it was the first Christmas EVER (in 32 years) I haven't spent with her. It was sad, but I am glad she was able to be with Lindsey while she had her sweet baby, Eve!

So here is a little update about what happened for us this Christmas:

Mia ~ Mia is a giver, with a servant's heart. I am constantly amazed and in awe of her. This year we received a world vision catalog in the mail and as she looked through it, you could see her wheels turning. She decided she wanted to buy a dairy cow ($650), we tried to talk her into a goat ($75) but she was adamant. We started a website, collected money, she asked friends, teachers, family, etc, and in the end she raised almost $900. She bought a dairy cow, a goat, 3 ducks, $350 worth of medicine, a bed net for a family and 2 soccer balls. She was over joyed to be giving and it melted my heart. A few weeks later we were working on AWANA stuff and we had to talk about and pray for a missionary. After discussing what missionaries do, she looked at us and asked when she could begin traveling the world to tell people about Jesus! I seriously adore her and her heart! My prayer is that she never loses that zest for The Lord!

This year for Christmas, she really wanted Daisy, a fur real kitten that plays with you. Santa delivered and Mia couldn't be more excited.

Roman ~ Roman has had a busy year, pushing limits, testing boundaries and being the funniest and most snuggly little boy I know. Roman makes me work on my patience everyday, but I love him in a way that just astounds me. Roman can be so sweet and this Christmas he spent most of the time yelling "This is the best Christmas EVER!" again and again, after getting up and giving hugs after each and every gift.

Santa delivered a Hot Wheels Track, just what he was hoping for and he has been playing it non-stop for the past 24 hours.

Josh and I have been busy. Cooking, cleaning and preparing for the big day. Josh had the Monday before christmas off, so that was great and we loved having him home.

I'm thankfully off until the 6th of January and couldn't be more excited!! It's going to be amazing spending that time with the kids! It's a much needed break away from work, and school.

Speaking of school, 16 weeks separates me from graduation. Only a project and my thesis are left. I will graduate Mother's Day weekend, and 2 days before Roman's 4th birthday! I am so excited and proud of myself! I am also so thankful for all the support I have received from Josh, without this wouldn't have been possible!

Friday, May 17, 2013

Mom, you have a question?

I keep forgetting to write about this and before I do, I need to share.

A couple of weeks ago while at church Mia got a bloody nose and was brought upstairs to sit with us. She sat through the end of service and  then the worship music began to end the service. We attend a contemporary church where people sometimes raise their hands while singing.  Well, we were all standing, Mia standing on the chair next to me and while we were singing I was moved to raise my hand during one of the songs.  Mia quietly tapped me on the shoulder and whispered ever so sweetly, "mom, do you have a question?" Slightly confused, I said, "no, why?"  Her response in the softest voice with a look of complexity on her face, "oh, well you had your hand up to ask a question."

Oh sweetness.
The sweet, unknowing question of a 5 year old little girl.
The wonder of the world around her and trying to figure out how actions in different setting create different meanings.

It was a great opportunity to briefly talk about how raising hands can be seen as a sign of praise to God.  She smiled, accepting that answer and as the next song began, she lifted her hands to the sky with a beaming grin on her face.

Not sure she really understood what she was doing, but I guarantee God smiled and so did I!

Thursday, May 16, 2013

To my son on your 3rd birthday!

Roman (Bubs, Bubbies),
Happy Birthday, sweet boy.  3 years ago you blessed us with a whirlwind delivering that left me exhausted and overwhelmed with joy.  You were our 2nd miracle baby.  We prayed for a sibling for Mia and you joined us quickly after that prayer.

You are my baby boy.  You melt my heart like nothing else.  I adore you and I adore your 'nuggles.
You are kind, sweet, energetic, athletic, funny and want to do everything your sister does.
You love bikes, and dinosaurs and trucks and dirt
You love school
You love your friends
You adore your family
You watch out for Comiskey and remind us that "she's our new pet" (eventhough she's 7)
You love the recliner and think it's your spot
You love God and church and the Bible
You still love me to sing Stronger and ABC's every night before bed
You will only go to sleep if the blanket is covering your head
You are amazing

Before you were born, I spent many nights wondering how I would love another baby after Mia was born.  My heart seemed full and then you were born.  My heart exploded, growing exponentially with love for both of you.
You have completed our family and made me so thankful that I have my sweet, Mama's Boy!
I love you to the moon and back, Bubs!


Mother's Day

Mother's Day this year was something special to celebrate.  Not only was it Mother's Day, it was Roman's 3rd birthday.  3! Can you believe it.
We spent the day at church, then went to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate his birthday.  It was followed with playing outside and Nana and Papa over for dinner.  Many people said what a bummer it was that I had to share Mother's Day with Roman's birthday, but my response was, "that's how I became a mom".  It's true, what an amazing reminder of what the day celebrating mom's is all about.

Monday, April 22, 2013

A letter to my daughter

5 years ago today, at almost this exact moment, I was being wheeled into the operating room.  I was scared, nervous, excited and overwhelmed.  The baby that we had spent the last 3 years praying for was about to join us.  I remember laying there, praying for you, for us.  I can still remember being in that room, holding your daddy's hand and then hearing a sound I won't ever forget.  I heard your cry.  My heart exploded, the tears rolled down my cheeks and down your daddy's too.  You were beautiful and healthy and you created a love within me I never knew I could have.

5 years...
How does the time go so fast?
How is it that you are getting ready to start kindergarten?
You are kind, you love helping others and making them feel welcomed
You are smart, you love school,  reading, writing and learning
You are stubborn and independent, you love doing things on your own
You are emotional like your mommy, you cry at movies, or when others are hurt, your heart is HUGE
You are creative, you could dance, sing, write, draw all day and night long
You love mail, you love sending and receiving mail
You are a daddy's girl, you love me, but you have a bond with your daddy that only you 2 understand
You love God, and church and the Bible (I pray you never lose that love for your faith)
You are beautiful, just the way you are, the way God created you.
You are you!
And you are loved!

Your daddy and I often sit and think back to that day 5 years ago. Holding you for the first time, staring at you and beginning in that moment to dream for you.  Today we continue to dream for you and now we are dreaming with you as well.  We pray for you, for your future and where God will take you.  We thank God often for blessing us with you.  You have taught us so much in these past 5 years and I can't wait to see what the future holds as you begin to take on the world.

Our prayer for you is that you will always love God.  We pray the relationship you and Bubs have is one you will always cherish.  He was chosen to be your brother and we pray that you grow up valuing each other, looking out for one another and be each other's biggest cheerleader.  I pray for your future spouse, that he would honor you and adore you just like your daddy adores you.  We pray that you follow your dreams and your heart and always remember who you are and how wonderfully perfect you have been made.

We love you baby girl,
Love mommy

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

I'm struggling

Tonight is one of those nights, I'm discouraged, frustrated, upset and quite frankly just feel like crying? Ever have one of those days?  Because I don't know what else to do, I'll write.

Growing up I was always surrounded by LOTS of friends.  I was a social butterfly, I was gone most nights and I always had someone to hang out.  Fast forward lots of years.  I am at a place where I feel like my friendships have changed so much.  Some of my closest friends live far away and some don't have kids, so it's hard to get together.  The other friends I have made along the way already have great friends of their own.  I often feel like a tag-a-long.

I don't have a friend I physically when I'm upset, or who stops over on a whim just to chat.  I don't do regular "girls" nights and if I did, who would I invite?  I have a few close friends that I text to vent  and that I adore and who get me, but I know they have had CLOSER friends WAY before me, so it's hard to compete (not that I'm trying to, but I understand loyalty also).  But life is busy.  Between work, school, 2 kids, a husband and everything else that comes with the territory I feel like I am missing out on those GOOD QUALITY GIRLFRIEND moments.  I crave those moments.

It has happened, what seems like, often lately.  People I "thought" I was good friends with are getting together with their friends and no invitation comes my way.  Now it's not that I need to be invited to every outing and I definitely don't need to be someone's only friend, but I feel like I try to be inclusive, so why aren't these people.

Yes, I'm being a baby and yes, I'm pouting right now. I'm venting to myself and trying to figure out what I've done wrong along the way.

So how do I change this?  I need girl friends, mom friends, friends I can call and chat with and get lunch with on a Saturday afternoon. I crave this interaction.  But I don't want to just be the friend who gets the pity invite either.

UGH, why does being a woman, mom, wife, "friend" have to be so difficult some days. And yes, today is just one of those days.

Thursday, April 04, 2013

Easter Recap

This past weekend we celebrated Easter.  It was wonderful and weird all at the same time.
We usually do Easter 3 times.  Once with my family, once just the 4 of us, and once with Josh's family.  This year one was missing.  My mom and sister's family were headed to California this year.  It was weird.  It was weird that I didn't see my mom or even hear her voice on Easter.  But I know she was having a great time in Cali with Lindsey and her family.
I  served Saturday night at church by taking pictures of families at the Easter service.
On Sunday we got up and went to church as a family.  Came home to Easter Baskets and eggs in the yards. I LOVE the excitement on our kids faces as they experience the joy of the holidays.  Even more though I love that Mia can tell us the REAL story of Easter.  Of death on a cross, buried in a tomb, and an empty tomb 3 days later because Jesus is Risen and we need to tell the Good News! AHHHH, I love her and I pray that her faith never stops growing!

We went to Josh's families for dinner and it's usually a lot of people, but this year it was just us, his parents, grandparents and my dad :) Yep, we took my dad with us and he had a wonderful time. My kids adore him and although our relationship has been less than stellar my entire life I am loving and appreciating the relationship occurring between my kids and him.  It is something I have been convicted by and realize that unconditional love on my part really can make a world of difference.

So Easter was different, it was a little weird, but it was still WONDERFUL.