Monday, February 06, 2012

One of those days...

This weekend consisted of "one of those days". This past week was crazy, I was in Wisconsin for work for 3 days, came home, worked on my day off Friday, only to go back to work on Saturday for a work conference. Saturday hit me like a ton of bricks. First thing in the morning I got notification that my mentor from church lost her son to cancer. He was 33 years old, that's just 3 years older than I am. My sister was induced to have her baby, a beautiful baby girl named, Mariella Isabel. She is stunning and tiny and has that brand new baby look. It was wonderful. And my dear friend announced she was pregnant. It's amazing and I love pregnancy and babies. It was overwhelming the emotions I felt, the way the day consumed me. And then I cried, I cried a lot. I cried for the better part of the day and night. I took a nap and fell asleep crying only to awake and start crying again. Why the emotional overload? I think there are a number of reasons. One is the thought that Josh and I are done. There will be no more pregnancy announcements from me, no announcing the gender or sharing the name. There will be no more new baby in my arms that I show off to the world. My "babies" are almost 2 and almost 4. It was hard to think of a day that included life ending, life beginning and the birth of a new baby. Talk about the circle of life. My perspective has gotten better over the last couple of days, however, I am not sure as someone who has battled infertility those feelings will ever go away. It's hard, but why? Why am I still jealous, sad, angry when it's not me? I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I could just enjoy and celebrate with others immediately instead of having to process through my own feelings first. It will get better, right? I hope so!

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