Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Struggles of Parenthood...

I debated on whether or not to post this, but I decided I would...
Amelia is 8 weeks old now and while I love being a mom more than anything in the world, there are days when I think I just can't do it. After trying for 2.5 years to get pregnant, I thought that was going to be the hardest thing to endure. However, my pregnancy wasn't any easier. I vomited for 9 months, had painful Braxton Hicks, was tired all the time, planned a natural, drug-free birth and ended up with an emergency C-section. I delivered a beautiful, healthy baby though and that is all that really mattered. So I figured something easy has to follow. Then Mia became Colicky. There is nothing like a non-stop screaming baby that tugs at your heart as a mom. On top of this I planned to exclusively breastfeed but my supply couldn't keep up. And while I am still nursing I have to supplement with formula every feeding. This has led to Mia having horrible stomach problems. We have gone through 3 formulas and she is now on a hypo-allergenic formula that we are hoping works.
There are days when I just can't get her to stop crying and I cry right along with her. There are days that I feel like a failure as a mother, because I can't get her to stop crying and I know her belly hurts so bad. There are days when I wish I could just breastfeed so we wouldn't have these problems anymore. There are days when I actually wonder if I was really meant to be a mom and then there are days when I just stop and sit back for a moment, clear my head and think.
These are the days that I remember the blessing that occurred after 2.5 years of trying, the day we got that positive pregnany test.
These are the days I remember my C-section and thank God that they realized her heartrate was dropping and she was delivered healthy.
These are the days I am thankful that my husband is so supportive, always telling me I am an awesome mom and laying on Mia's floor in the middle of the night while I feed her.
These are the days that I realize God is teaching me lessons in Grace, Patience, and Love.

I know days are going to be hard, but on those days I just try to remember that God blessed me to be a mother because He believed I could do it...and on those days I remember the little gummy smile she gives me or the coo that seriously melts my heart. Because of Mia I have learned what it means to love so much it hurts. It truly hurts me to my core when she cries and I can't calm her. Because of Mia I have found a love for my husband that I never knew was possible. A love that surpasses everything, a bond so deep I don't think I could survive without him.

I am not sure why I felt the need to share all this...maybe to clear my head, or maybe because I think sometimes people sugarcoat parenthood. I am sure there are people out there that have great babies, that never cry and are happy all the time. But I also think there are people who being a first time parent is hard.
All that said this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, however, it is the most amazing, rewarding thing I have done. There is nothing like seeing a child that was created out of love smile at you, when you look at her and see Josh and I in her...Mia melts my heart!

7 comments:

Nikki and Paul said...

Heather you are an amazing mom. Don't ever think any differently. I love your post because although I am no longer dealing with a newborn I am dealing with terrible 2's. I have moments when I think I am not cut out to be a parent as well. We all do! I think it makes us stronger mothers. I am so sorry you are dealing w/colic. A friend of mine had a similar situation with her son. He would never calm down. The doctors kept telling her it was colic but it never went away. She finally tried Neutramigen formula and he was a different child. They ended up running tests and found out he was allergic to her breastmilk and all of the other formulas they were trying. It was just making him feel worse. It may be worth a try! She couldn't believe the difference even after one feeding!

Heather said...

Nikki~
That is actually the formula we are trying. It seems to be helping...it's only been 2 days. We are praying it works.

Mandy said...

Heather,

Keep your chin up, I have been where you are...only 4 more weeks and she will be better...its amazing how much they change after their bellies no long hurt. Do know you are not alone in your feelings, I read them and cried...I takes me back to that time in my life that I am certain I would never make it thru if I had to do it again...however I now have an awesome 3 yr old little boy who is telling me to come wipe his butt...lol...it all works out in the end... you will only be a better mother/person because of what you endure!

Emily said...

Heather, I've been in your shoes with a baby suffering from colic and it is NO fun. I would just want to smack people when they'd say "It only lasts a little while..." OK...but what about NOW? It feels like it will never end! If you need some good ideas, I would love to offer what we tried...we had to switch formulas 4 times before we found what worked for our little man.

We all have those "Really, God? You really think I can do this?" moments...and I totally understand when you say this is the hardest thing you've done but also the most rewarding. Keep supporting yourself with friends who have "been there, done that" - it is amazing how just being able to talk to someone who knows what you're going through can give clarity.

Praying for you & little Mia's tummy!

Cort said...

Aw, Heather, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I have no advice, but I do know that you are an AWESOME mom, and that I'm positive every new parent goes through something like this. You'll get through. Fell free to call and vent if you need to.

Shannon Kilstrom Photography said...

Oh Heather...I am so sorry. You are an AMAZING mom and I know that things will all fall into place for you, Mia and Josh. Please know that I am praying for you and that I am only a phone call away if you ever need anything. I dealt with breastfeeding issues as well as colic and if nothing else, I can be a sympathetic listener. My heart was breaking for you while reading your post and I wish that there was something I could do to help you.
Take care, Sweetie!!

STEPHANIE said...

Heather, I think you are an amazing mother by just realizing all of these blessings in the midst of hardships and for being so vulnerable. Many mothers need to hear this because we may think our child is the only one like that. Everyone is wired so differently, I am sure God is smiling at your endurance. Thanks for sharing.