I debated on whether or not to post this, but I decided I would...
Amelia is 8 weeks old now and while I love being a mom more than anything in the world, there are days when I think I just can't do it. After trying for 2.5 years to get pregnant, I thought that was going to be the hardest thing to endure. However, my pregnancy wasn't any easier. I vomited for 9 months, had painful Braxton Hicks, was tired all the time, planned a natural, drug-free birth and ended up with an emergency C-section. I delivered a beautiful, healthy baby though and that is all that really mattered. So I figured something easy has to follow. Then Mia became Colicky. There is nothing like a non-stop screaming baby that tugs at your heart as a mom. On top of this I planned to exclusively breastfeed but my supply couldn't keep up. And while I am still nursing I have to supplement with formula every feeding. This has led to Mia having horrible stomach problems. We have gone through 3 formulas and she is now on a hypo-allergenic formula that we are hoping works.
There are days when I just can't get her to stop crying and I cry right along with her. There are days that I feel like a failure as a mother, because I can't get her to stop crying and I know her belly hurts so bad. There are days when I wish I could just breastfeed so we wouldn't have these problems anymore. There are days when I actually wonder if I was really meant to be a mom and then there are days when I just stop and sit back for a moment, clear my head and think.
These are the days that I remember the blessing that occurred after 2.5 years of trying, the day we got that positive pregnany test.
These are the days I remember my C-section and thank God that they realized her heartrate was dropping and she was delivered healthy.
These are the days I am thankful that my husband is so supportive, always telling me I am an awesome mom and laying on Mia's floor in the middle of the night while I feed her.
These are the days that I realize God is teaching me lessons in Grace, Patience, and Love.
I know days are going to be hard, but on those days I just try to remember that God blessed me to be a mother because He believed I could do it...and on those days I remember the little gummy smile she gives me or the coo that seriously melts my heart. Because of Mia I have learned what it means to love so much it hurts. It truly hurts me to my core when she cries and I can't calm her. Because of Mia I have found a love for my husband that I never knew was possible. A love that surpasses everything, a bond so deep I don't think I could survive without him.
I am not sure why I felt the need to share all this...maybe to clear my head, or maybe because I think sometimes people sugarcoat parenthood. I am sure there are people out there that have great babies, that never cry and are happy all the time. But I also think there are people who being a first time parent is hard.
All that said this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, however, it is the most amazing, rewarding thing I have done. There is nothing like seeing a child that was created out of love smile at you, when you look at her and see Josh and I in her...Mia melts my heart!