Trusting God

These past few months have been a journey in learning to trust God and believe that He is enough regardless of what my future looks like.

After the miscarriage our desire to grow our family seemed even stronger. We talked to doctors and they gave us a renewed sense of hope.

In January, I stated Progesterone in hopes of helping us maintain a pregnancy. And that month we again saw the words we had been praying for.  This time the excitement was jaded by the feelings of fear, anxiety, what-if. We decided to keep it secret, to wait until our first appointment and pray that God would provide.

The day after we found out Roman came in the door and saw me and said "Whoa, mama, your belly is BIG, there is a baby in there". We laughed it off, but he has been adamant for the past 3 weeks that there is a baby in my belly. To be honest, I sometimes felt he was God's voice of reassurance in my life.

Today at 7 weeks, 1 day, Josh and I ventured to the doctor.  My anxiety on high, praying over and over that we would see a baby.  As I sat on the table, in the same room I sat 4 short months ago, I held my breath for a moment.

"There is your baby and there is the heartbeat".

What glorious words!!! Praise Jesus!!

So today we choose to celebrate, we choose to enjoy the days we have with this baby and pray God will allow us to hold this baby here on earth as well.

We shared the news with the kids today and they are so excited! I can't wait to see them respond to this baby they already love so much!!

It's been a year

How did this happen? How did I go an entire year without blogging?  As I pulled up my blog to read, I realized how much I loved this blog, how many memories live in this space. It's time to revisit it and track where our family has been and where we are going.

After Roman came we thought our family was complete. We even took the trip to Cabo to celebrate being done, but I continued to feel the nagging feeling of not being done. I tried to fight it, to convince myself we were, but the feeling didn't relent. After many tears and conversations, Josh decided he would be on board.  This was 2013.

We knew this journey all too well. Month after month we tried, we took meds, we timed intercourse, we saw doctors...and the result was always the same nothing. Each month the idea of us adding to our family seemed more and more like a fantasy.

We continued to run after God and trust His will.  In September, it happened! I saw the words I had prayed so long for...PREGNANT!!!

We couldn't believe it.  2 more years of trying and God answered. I was due on May 30th (Roman's original due date) and our first appointment was on October 16th (our 10th wedding anniversary). It was meant to be!

But then just as we began to let ourselves get excited and begin to dream, those dreams were shattered. Just 2 short weeks after being so excited and crying tears of joy, we were now crying tears of sorrow as the doctor would tell us we were experiencing a miscarriage.

WHAT?  This was a word that was not part of my journey.  Infertility was my story, not miscarriage.
But I would continue to lean on God and try to understand.
The verse I leaned on over and over again was:

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him, for he cares for you.

So thankful for this truth.  And so this would begin a new piece of our story.

Christmas 2013

Christmas has come and gone already and I realized how much has happened in the past few months since I haven't been blogging.

Our Christmas this year was amazing! It was filled with joy, laughter, giving, church, family and friends. The hardest part about this Christmas was that my mom was in California and therefore it was the first Christmas EVER (in 32 years) I haven't spent with her. It was sad, but I am glad she was able to be with Lindsey while she had her sweet baby, Eve!

So here is a little update about what happened for us this Christmas:

Mia ~ Mia is a giver, with a servant's heart. I am constantly amazed and in awe of her. This year we received a world vision catalog in the mail and as she looked through it, you could see her wheels turning. She decided she wanted to buy a dairy cow ($650), we tried to talk her into a goat ($75) but she was adamant. We started a website, collected money, she asked friends, teachers, family, etc, and in the end she raised almost $900. She bought a dairy cow, a goat, 3 ducks, $350 worth of medicine, a bed net for a family and 2 soccer balls. She was over joyed to be giving and it melted my heart. A few weeks later we were working on AWANA stuff and we had to talk about and pray for a missionary. After discussing what missionaries do, she looked at us and asked when she could begin traveling the world to tell people about Jesus! I seriously adore her and her heart! My prayer is that she never loses that zest for The Lord!

This year for Christmas, she really wanted Daisy, a fur real kitten that plays with you. Santa delivered and Mia couldn't be more excited.

Roman ~ Roman has had a busy year, pushing limits, testing boundaries and being the funniest and most snuggly little boy I know. Roman makes me work on my patience everyday, but I love him in a way that just astounds me. Roman can be so sweet and this Christmas he spent most of the time yelling "This is the best Christmas EVER!" again and again, after getting up and giving hugs after each and every gift.

Santa delivered a Hot Wheels Track, just what he was hoping for and he has been playing it non-stop for the past 24 hours.

Josh and I have been busy. Cooking, cleaning and preparing for the big day. Josh had the Monday before christmas off, so that was great and we loved having him home.

I'm thankfully off until the 6th of January and couldn't be more excited!! It's going to be amazing spending that time with the kids! It's a much needed break away from work, and school.

Speaking of school, 16 weeks separates me from graduation. Only a project and my thesis are left. I will graduate Mother's Day weekend, and 2 days before Roman's 4th birthday! I am so excited and proud of myself! I am also so thankful for all the support I have received from Josh, without this wouldn't have been possible!

Mom, you have a question?

I keep forgetting to write about this and before I do, I need to share.

A couple of weeks ago while at church Mia got a bloody nose and was brought upstairs to sit with us. She sat through the end of service and  then the worship music began to end the service. We attend a contemporary church where people sometimes raise their hands while singing.  Well, we were all standing, Mia standing on the chair next to me and while we were singing I was moved to raise my hand during one of the songs.  Mia quietly tapped me on the shoulder and whispered ever so sweetly, "mom, do you have a question?" Slightly confused, I said, "no, why?"  Her response in the softest voice with a look of complexity on her face, "oh, well you had your hand up to ask a question."

Oh sweetness.
The sweet, unknowing question of a 5 year old little girl.
The wonder of the world around her and trying to figure out how actions in different setting create different meanings.

It was a great opportunity to briefly talk about how raising hands can be seen as a sign of praise to God.  She smiled, accepting that answer and as the next song began, she lifted her hands to the sky with a beaming grin on her face.

Not sure she really understood what she was doing, but I guarantee God smiled and so did I!

To my son on your 3rd birthday!

Roman (Bubs, Bubbies),
Happy Birthday, sweet boy.  3 years ago you blessed us with a whirlwind delivering that left me exhausted and overwhelmed with joy.  You were our 2nd miracle baby.  We prayed for a sibling for Mia and you joined us quickly after that prayer.

You are my baby boy.  You melt my heart like nothing else.  I adore you and I adore your 'nuggles.
You are kind, sweet, energetic, athletic, funny and want to do everything your sister does.
You love bikes, and dinosaurs and trucks and dirt
You love school
You love your friends
You adore your family
You watch out for Comiskey and remind us that "she's our new pet" (eventhough she's 7)
You love the recliner and think it's your spot
You love God and church and the Bible
You still love me to sing Stronger and ABC's every night before bed
You will only go to sleep if the blanket is covering your head
You are amazing

Before you were born, I spent many nights wondering how I would love another baby after Mia was born.  My heart seemed full and then you were born.  My heart exploded, growing exponentially with love for both of you.
You have completed our family and made me so thankful that I have my sweet, Mama's Boy!
I love you to the moon and back, Bubs!

Love,
Mommy

Mother's Day

Mother's Day this year was something special to celebrate.  Not only was it Mother's Day, it was Roman's 3rd birthday.  3! Can you believe it.
We spent the day at church, then went to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate his birthday.  It was followed with playing outside and Nana and Papa over for dinner.  Many people said what a bummer it was that I had to share Mother's Day with Roman's birthday, but my response was, "that's how I became a mom".  It's true, what an amazing reminder of what the day celebrating mom's is all about.

A letter to my daughter

5 years ago today, at almost this exact moment, I was being wheeled into the operating room.  I was scared, nervous, excited and overwhelmed.  The baby that we had spent the last 3 years praying for was about to join us.  I remember laying there, praying for you, for us.  I can still remember being in that room, holding your daddy's hand and then hearing a sound I won't ever forget.  I heard your cry.  My heart exploded, the tears rolled down my cheeks and down your daddy's too.  You were beautiful and healthy and you created a love within me I never knew I could have.

5 years...
How does the time go so fast?
How is it that you are getting ready to start kindergarten?
You are kind, you love helping others and making them feel welcomed
You are smart, you love school,  reading, writing and learning
You are stubborn and independent, you love doing things on your own
You are emotional like your mommy, you cry at movies, or when others are hurt, your heart is HUGE
You are creative, you could dance, sing, write, draw all day and night long
You love mail, you love sending and receiving mail
You are a daddy's girl, you love me, but you have a bond with your daddy that only you 2 understand
You love God, and church and the Bible (I pray you never lose that love for your faith)
You are beautiful, just the way you are, the way God created you.
You are you!
And you are loved!

Your daddy and I often sit and think back to that day 5 years ago. Holding you for the first time, staring at you and beginning in that moment to dream for you.  Today we continue to dream for you and now we are dreaming with you as well.  We pray for you, for your future and where God will take you.  We thank God often for blessing us with you.  You have taught us so much in these past 5 years and I can't wait to see what the future holds as you begin to take on the world.

Our prayer for you is that you will always love God.  We pray the relationship you and Bubs have is one you will always cherish.  He was chosen to be your brother and we pray that you grow up valuing each other, looking out for one another and be each other's biggest cheerleader.  I pray for your future spouse, that he would honor you and adore you just like your daddy adores you.  We pray that you follow your dreams and your heart and always remember who you are and how wonderfully perfect you have been made.

We love you baby girl,
Love mommy

I'm struggling

Tonight is one of those nights, I'm discouraged, frustrated, upset and quite frankly just feel like crying? Ever have one of those days?  Because I don't know what else to do, I'll write.

Growing up I was always surrounded by LOTS of friends.  I was a social butterfly, I was gone most nights and I always had someone to hang out.  Fast forward lots of years.  I am at a place where I feel like my friendships have changed so much.  Some of my closest friends live far away and some don't have kids, so it's hard to get together.  The other friends I have made along the way already have great friends of their own.  I often feel like a tag-a-long.

I don't have a friend I physically when I'm upset, or who stops over on a whim just to chat.  I don't do regular "girls" nights and if I did, who would I invite?  I have a few close friends that I text to vent  and that I adore and who get me, but I know they have had CLOSER friends WAY before me, so it's hard to compete (not that I'm trying to, but I understand loyalty also).  But life is busy.  Between work, school, 2 kids, a husband and everything else that comes with the territory I feel like I am missing out on those GOOD QUALITY GIRLFRIEND moments.  I crave those moments.

It has happened, what seems like, often lately.  People I "thought" I was good friends with are getting together with their friends and no invitation comes my way.  Now it's not that I need to be invited to every outing and I definitely don't need to be someone's only friend, but I feel like I try to be inclusive, so why aren't these people.

Yes, I'm being a baby and yes, I'm pouting right now. I'm venting to myself and trying to figure out what I've done wrong along the way.

So how do I change this?  I need girl friends, mom friends, friends I can call and chat with and get lunch with on a Saturday afternoon. I crave this interaction.  But I don't want to just be the friend who gets the pity invite either.

UGH, why does being a woman, mom, wife, "friend" have to be so difficult some days. And yes, today is just one of those days.

Easter Recap

This past weekend we celebrated Easter.  It was wonderful and weird all at the same time.
We usually do Easter 3 times.  Once with my family, once just the 4 of us, and once with Josh's family.  This year one was missing.  My mom and sister's family were headed to California this year.  It was weird.  It was weird that I didn't see my mom or even hear her voice on Easter.  But I know she was having a great time in Cali with Lindsey and her family.
I  served Saturday night at church by taking pictures of families at the Easter service.
On Sunday we got up and went to church as a family.  Came home to Easter Baskets and eggs in the yards. I LOVE the excitement on our kids faces as they experience the joy of the holidays.  Even more though I love that Mia can tell us the REAL story of Easter.  Of death on a cross, buried in a tomb, and an empty tomb 3 days later because Jesus is Risen and we need to tell the Good News! AHHHH, I love her and I pray that her faith never stops growing!

We went to Josh's families for dinner and it's usually a lot of people, but this year it was just us, his parents, grandparents and my dad :) Yep, we took my dad with us and he had a wonderful time. My kids adore him and although our relationship has been less than stellar my entire life I am loving and appreciating the relationship occurring between my kids and him.  It is something I have been convicted by and realize that unconditional love on my part really can make a world of difference.

So Easter was different, it was a little weird, but it was still WONDERFUL.

So much on my mind...

It's just after midnight and I should be in bed, instead my mind is racing so I figured I would blog.
It's been awhile and needless to say it's because life is crazy.  I posted on Facebook today that there are days that I wish Life had an instruction manual  (yes, I know the Bible is a great resource) but I'm talking about the kind of manual that tells you how many kids to have, what kind of car to buy and what job you should do long term.

There are lots of decisions in my upcoming future, some big, some small.  But my mind is racing.  As I process through the thoughts that are spinning around in my head, I hear the questions...Will you still be a good mom? Can you still have time to be a wife? What about grad school? What about...? What about....?

I realized recently that I often live my life in the what ifs, instead of in the now.  My sister is leaving for California on Thursday, they are picking up and moving half way across the country, with no jobs, their house not sold and 4 kids.  While it seems scary, I sometimes wish I could have enough faith to just take a leap of faith.  It may be hard, but it may be an exhilarating ride, but you'll never know unless you leave your current comforts sometimes.

So yes, this is evasive and filled with ambiguity  but i'm not quite ready to share all the thoughts that are running wild.

In other news, we are FINALLY mostly healthy.  Besides a few runny noses here and there.  2 weeks ago I got Influenza A. I literally thought I was dying. I didn't leave my bed or see my kids for 4 days.  Thankfully I am beyond blessed with a husband who always steps up to the plate, without ever complaining and awesome moms that were there to assist.

Mia is less than a month from turning 5 and I can't believe it. We had Kindergarten round up and she's so excited, mommy on the other hand might be a nervous wreck.  She's growing too fast.   She is our little artist.   There is always a show being performed, a song being sung or a picture being drawn.  She loves mail and sending things to people on a very regular basis.  She is emotional and easily embarrassed.  She is full of questions and is often too smart for mommy and daddy's liking.

Roman is...well he's Roman.  He our all boy. Throwing balls, kicking things, jumping off tables, playing baseball.  However, he is still a mama's boy and loves to snuggle his mommy.  Today while reading books he kissed me on the cheek while I was talking to Mia and then laid his head on my chest and in the sweetest 2 year old voice said, "I just needed to kiss and hug you, 'cuz I luh you sooo much." Melt my heart.  I hope he always adores me as much as he does right now.

Well, I've decompressed a little and now I shoudl scoot off to bed, the morning is going to come soon and I have work and school tomorrow! Oh the life! :)

Feeling Helpless

One of the worst feelings as a mom is that of helplessness.  And this week, I have felt plenty of that!  Roman woke up on Wednesday whiny. I assumed he had a cold, but checked his temp anyways.  It was 98.7 so I wasn't really to worried.  We took Mia to school and headed home. The closer we got to home the whinier he got.  He walked in and went straight to the couch to lay down. Now, anyone who knows Roman, knows that is NOT how he works.  He is active, and ornery and all boy, all the time. So I knew something was wrong.  I took his temp again and it had spiked to 102.  And it has been all downhill since there.  This is my sad little boy on Wednesday morning before episode one of throwing up.

Wednesday consisted mostly of this:
Crying

cuddling

puking

laundry

motrin

sleep

and then repeat.  It was horrible.  He was so miserable and only wanted me. Thank GOD for my mom who ran an errand for me, picked Mia up from school, fed her lunch and got her all settled before leaving. As the night went on he was so tired and lethargic.  We knew it was bad when he fell asleep on the couch like this holding his new gun from sissy in an attempt to help him feel better.  

The night was long as he whined and tossed and turned all night.  This morning came and Josh took over Doctor duty!  These are the moments I am so thankful that I have a husband who never fusses over staying home with a sick kid.  We are all blessed that he realizes it is just as much his job as it is mine and he does it with grace, patience and love.  Roman ran a fever on and off all day on today.  I decided to make an appointment with the doctor just to make sure he was okay, even though we assumed it was the flu.  When I got home he was so tired and burning up, his skin was red and hot to the touch.  We decided to take his temp again, although Josh had just taken it 45 minutes before and it registered 100.  Josh took his temp, then again, then a third time and then handed me the thermometer to do it.  It was 105-106.  I freaked.  I didn't know what to do. I was helpless and scared.  I immediately called the Dr. who told me to strip him down, get him in a warm bath, push ice cold fluids and give a dose of tylenol.  It was horrible. Roman was screaming, He was cold, even though he was burning up. He drank the water but it made him puke. It was scary and I knew then that something was wrong.
I changed his jammies and packed him up for the doctors. We got there and the nurse immediately ran a pulse ox, his was only at 92.  A breathing treatment was started. We saw a new doctor and I was SO impressed.  He was kind, calm and wonderful with Roman, who was now being a little show off since the motrin had kicked in.  And then the results were in....You ready for it:

Double ear infection

Walking pneumonia

Drainage and a red throat and...

Pink eye!!

Poor baby no wonder who is miserable. So 3 meds later and breathing treatments every 4 hours, we are home and Roman is sleeping and we are praying he is better soon.

It is in moments like this that I realize how precious my kids are to me. It reminds me that there are parents out there who deal with scary moments far too often.  It is times like this, I am thankful for insurance, doctors, family and friends.  And in moments like this that even in the midst of exhaustion, I love that he wants me to hold him, cuddle him and sing him one more song.  

Giving thanks

The food has been eaten, the dishes are done, the family is gone and the babes are in bed, now it's time to stop and remember what I am thankful for this year.

My husband: I am so thankful I have been blessed with a man who is not only an amazing husband but an awesome daddy as well.  He cleans, he provides, he plays with the kids, he takes off work when kids are sick without ever complaining, he loves unconditionally, encourages me in so many ways, he is...everything I prayed for and then some.

Mia: A sweet, smart, artsy 4.5 year old who loves to play mom.  She loves school, is kind, polite and always has a concern for others.  She is creative and loves art, music and theater. She also loves God and makes me proud so often as a mom.

Roman:  A silly, rambunctious, active 2.5 year old who loves to play trucks, wrestle, read books and still loves to cuddle his mommy.  He melts my heart and helps me work on my patience quite often :)

My job: I am thankful for a job that I love. I love that I get to build relationships with students and help them in so many areas of their life. I love that my boss and coworkers GET family, and realize that sometimes work comes 2nd.  I feel so grateful that I get to do what I love at a part time schedule

Family: I am thankful for my family tonight.  For inlaws I love and get along with well and for my immediate family.  I love that even though my parents are divorced, we can spend holidays together with laughter and joy. I love that my kids have cousins their age to play with, grow with and laugh with.

Friends:  Over the years friendships have changed and I am so thankful for the friends that have stuck with me along the way and the new ones I have met throughout the journey.  Each one is valuable and holds a special place in my heart.

There is so much more I am thankful for, but this is a start.

Big News and Big Disappointment

So there is big news in the Stocking Household...no it's not a baby, so don't get excited.  As of October 16th (my 8th wedding anniversary) I will officially be a student again.  This time a graduate student.  I enrolled at St. Ambrose in their Masters of Organizational Leadership program.  I will take the majority of my classes there focusing on leadership development and team building, while taking my elecitives from Lewis University to receive a concentration in Training and Development.  This is something I have wanted for years, talked about, prayed about and Josh and I finally decided there is no better day than today.  I would eventually love to do more training, maybe even teach some training/communications/public speaking courses.  In getting my Masters and working at Ambrose the doors begin to open at a much faster rate. So when the opportunity arises, I will be ready AND qualified.
So why the disappointment?
Well, as a a mom, I tend to have lots of "mom" friends.  And it just so happens lots of those friends are stay at home moms.   And while I value that job tremendously  I also know that that is not a job that I would do well.  And so as I have started to share my news, I have been met with blank stares and "oh...." responses and just general unenthusiastic responses.  This has made me sad on a number of levels, one because I know I will never make the announcement that will make them jump for joy, "I'm quitting my job and staying home", and two because I realize how at 31 years old I still yearn for the approval of my peers. I wish it wasn't like that.  I wish I could stand confident in my decision and to my husband and peers at work I do, but in the midst of moms who respond like they do, I feel defeat and guilt that I am making a wrong choice.   

I don't know what the next two years will hold.  I know it will be filled with night classes, homework, papers, anxiety and wonder.   However, I hope at the end of the journey I will look back and feel confident in knowing that I have what is right for my family and myself in order to be the best ME I can be.

Independence

Today marked another year in our tradition of visiting the Pride of the Wapsi pumpkin farm. We started doing this when Mia was a baby and have continued since. It is always fun to watch the kids ride the ponies and sit in the barrel train and pick pumpkins.
But this year was different...
It was fun and exciting, yet different.
This year there were no strollers or baby carriers.
This year mommy and daddy didn't ride in the barrel train with the kids.  Instead we stood by the gate taking pictures and waving from afar.
This year, Mia rode the pony by herself and I only walked with Bubs.
This year, on the hayrack ride out to get pumpkins Mia sat by herself, holding on the rail, because "she was big now".
This year they did every activity with excessive laughter and joy, including all the tunnels and blow up mazes by themselves (except for the one blowup maze I had to go in after them, after they couldn't figure their way out.
This year was different.

As I stood on the side I was filled with a sense of pride and saddness at the same time. It was awesome to watch our kids play so joyfully and so independently.  Yet it saddened me to think that their would be no more strollers or baby carriers with these 2 at these events. They are getting bigger, they are growing up.  They are becoming even more independent and it's happening all before our eyes.

Today was a reminder of how much fun we are having as a family, and it was also a reminder that I need to cherish these moments, because they are growing up way to quickly!

Let's try this again

So it seems every now and then I am reminded at how much I love reading and writing blogs.  I have missed going back and reading what we have been up to as a family.  So I am attempting to start again. Let 's see how long I can keep it up this time :)

Here is a rundown of what everyone is doing:
Mia -

• Almost 4.5
• Going to preschool everyday and LOVING every minute of it, her favorite part of school is Crafts. She often tells us she plays by herself because was busy doing crafts.
• Loves performing - singing, dancing, making up stories, acting
• She loves riding her bike (with training wheels)
• Learned how to swing all by herself this summer, including getting herself started and pumping her legs
• Took swimming class and did amazing. She was able to front float, back float and bob all by herself
• She is kind and loving and polite

Roman -

• Turned 2 in May
• Is going to PDO 2 days a week and LOVES it. (Seriously, my kids LOVE school, I hope they never lose that love)
• Learned to ride his Balance Trike and can last for over 2 mile bike rides on his own
• Loves his big sister
• Loves to sing, dance, make people laugh
• Playing trucks, dinosaurs, or wrestling is his favorite past time
• He can crush a baseball off a tee
• He has NO fear of water and loves to swim

Josh -

• Still working in the Detective Bureau and enjoying his role
• Played 2 seasons of softball (summer and fall)
• Loves wrestling with the kids, or anything physical
• He is still responsible for Mia's bedtime and they make up stories every night to tell

Heather -

• Still working part time as a Career Counselor
• I have started exploring Master's Degree Programs
• Roman and I have an awesome bedtime routine I love
• I have picked up running and am hoping to complete my 1st Half Marathon in May
• I started blogging for the Mom's Blog and am loving being able to have that outlet
• Looking into learning how to crochet in my near future

Family -

• We bought a new house, and it is amazing
• We had an awesome summer, spent with lots of swimming, bike riding, hiking, etc
• We do prayers with every meal and the kids remind us if we forget
• We started doing hi/low at meal times (more on that later) and it has been a great way to communicate with the kids
• Life is good! :) 

One of those days...

This weekend consisted of "one of those days". This past week was crazy, I was in Wisconsin for work for 3 days, came home, worked on my day off Friday, only to go back to work on Saturday for a work conference. Saturday hit me like a ton of bricks. First thing in the morning I got notification that my mentor from church lost her son to cancer. He was 33 years old, that's just 3 years older than I am. My sister was induced to have her baby, a beautiful baby girl named, Mariella Isabel. She is stunning and tiny and has that brand new baby look. It was wonderful. And my dear friend announced she was pregnant. It's amazing and I love pregnancy and babies. It was overwhelming the emotions I felt, the way the day consumed me. And then I cried, I cried a lot. I cried for the better part of the day and night. I took a nap and fell asleep crying only to awake and start crying again. Why the emotional overload? I think there are a number of reasons. One is the thought that Josh and I are done. There will be no more pregnancy announcements from me, no announcing the gender or sharing the name. There will be no more new baby in my arms that I show off to the world. My "babies" are almost 2 and almost 4. It was hard to think of a day that included life ending, life beginning and the birth of a new baby. Talk about the circle of life. My perspective has gotten better over the last couple of days, however, I am not sure as someone who has battled infertility those feelings will ever go away. It's hard, but why? Why am I still jealous, sad, angry when it's not me? I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I could just enjoy and celebrate with others immediately instead of having to process through my own feelings first. It will get better, right? I hope so!

Guest Blogger Post

Here is a link to the blog Josh and I wrote about the 5 Love Languages. It was so fun to do together and such a great reminder of what we need to do to make the other feel loved.

http://www.quadcitymomsblog.com/2012/01/23/what-language-do-you-speak/

Fun Day...Or Not!!

Wednesday night I went to bed in preparation of taking Thursday off to volunteer at Mia's Fun Day at school. She was so excited mommy was going to be there and I was so excited to be able to volunteer. That is exactly one of the reasons I have chosen to work part time, so I can help at things like this. All was going well, until 3am when I woke up nauseous, sweating and knowing something was wrong. I was right. I threw up for the next 4 hours. My body hurt and I was exhausted. There was a part of me that knew I couldn't go volunteer, I was WAY to tired, but when your 3.5 year old comes in and says in the sweetest, saddest voice "Mommy, you're too sick to come to Fun Day", my heart broke and I mustered up every ounce of energy I had and went to fun day. I got to be in the Mitten Room. We read stories about mittens, hid mittens so the kids could find them and then they had a relay to dress the adult in winter clothes (hat, coat, mittens, scarves, boots, etc). It was cute and fun and when Mia's group came through she couldn't have been happier I was there. As the morning went on, I got more and more nauseous and weak. To top off our fun morning, we got the call from daycare that Roman had diarrhea AGAIN!! Seriously, this is about the 3rd week. Kerri changed 3 diapers in 20 minutes and the last one required a bath AND an outfit change! UGH!! So I picked him up and we headed home. I put the kids down early for nap and passed out myself. Josh got home from work and back to sleep I went. I slept until 7, got up and saw the kids and went back to bed at 8. The next morning I was feeling mostly better, just super tired. However, we had a new problem, Josh was sick. THANK GOD he did not throw up. This is a huge praise, because when Josh gets the flu it is very very bad news!!! So I took the kids downstairs, we ate breakfast and then it happened. Roman vomited ALL OVER!! All over the pillow, his blanket, another blanket, himself, the carpet. OH MY!! I had Mia go get Josh to help me. To say it was an eventful day is an understatement. As I writing this I am thinking we are mostly all back to health, and thanks to lots of prayers Mia has not gotten in. That is nothing short of a miracle, and I will take it! We are continuing to pray for health for her and the rest of us.

My new workout buddy

The past two nights Mia and I have gone to the gym by ourselves. We have left the boys home, since Josh gets to work out during his lunch break and Roman is just getting done being sick, so we didn't want to take any chances. So after my workout the last two nights I have gone downstairs, picked up Mia and her and I head up to the track. It's been a blast. We giggle, walk fast and then she takes off running and wants me to chase her around the track. Some probably think we are annoying, or that it's inappropriate to have my 3.5 year old working out, but I LOVE it. I love her wanting to workout, we talk about being healthy, and she gets to exert some energy. At the end of both workouts, she has looked at me with the sweetest smile and said "Mommy I want to do this every day with you!" I love building these memories with her!

Special Person

Today at school Mia was special person. She brought home this large piece of paper that we got to fill out including pictures of her, her family, her friends and her favorites.
She identified her favorite food as ice cream (which is funny because we rarely have ice cream), her favorite books are Princesses and The Bible. When she identified her friends she wanted to put a picture of her and Cam on their carriage ride. And the best part was when asked what she wants to be when she grows up she answered...A Ballerina. At school today Josh and I got to go at the end of her class to read a book of her choice to the class. Her face lit up as Josh and I walked in. I love that moment. She sat on my lap while I read Llama Llama mad at mama to the class. I loved hearing all the giggles from the kids and I loved being able to share that moment with Mia. I also appreciate that Josh left work too to be a part of the moment. We were literally there 15 minutes before we left and both had to go back to work. But she loved it! And so did we.

On a side note, I took her to the gym tonight while Josh and Roman stayed home. On the way to the gym we were talking about Roman and how he is learning to be nice (not push, not pull hair, share, etc). Here is the jist of how the conversation went:

Me: Yes, Roman is still learning what is kind, we have to help him

Mia: yes, but I still love him so much

Me: that's so great, he loves you too.

Mia: Mom, Roman's kind of naughty now, but he's just learning. When I'm 4 i'm not going to be naughty anymore, I'm going to use good listening.

Me: well, that's great, that makes mommy very proud

Mia: Also when I am 4 I can help and put Roman in time-out and tell him that's not kind.

Me: well, I think Mommy and Daddy will put Roman in time-out if he needs it

Mia: but when I'm 4 I can put him in time-out too.

I just had to laugh. I guess when you are 4, you are ALL grown up.
I just love her!